Category Archives: Fun Lists

Read this before you make another post. Seriously.

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The Internet is a great place. You can post anything you want almost everywhere. But that doesn’t mean you have to post EVERYTHING.

You need to think the poor souls who have to read these posts.

There’s gotta be some kind of etiquette/ censorship.

Here are some real examples that, to be honest, are best avoided.

Stop posting pictures of your positive pregnancy test on Facebook.You’re pregnant. And I couldn’t be happier for you. Honestly. But come on. You pissed on this thing. If your friends were there in person would you emerge triumphant from the bathroom and wave it in their faces?  And if it is ok to post things we’ve peed on I have a lovely photograph of a dark alley….

Internet fights are almost always below the belt. Breathe, Take a step back. Arguing with people on your Facebook wall is about as classy as a Jeremy Kyle show. No one wants to see that shit. Close the laptop go outside. Smile at the nearest stranger. You’ll feel better.

Stop trying so hard to convince everyone you’re perfect. You know those daily positive update statuses about how you are choosing to be happy. And you love your job. And you love your spouse. And you have a dog. And you couldn’t be happier. Even your clothes are the hippest ever! Yeah.

In reality you’re one post away from FREAKING OUT. And that’s ok. So instead of posting bullshit, ask for help. I want you to be happy. Truly happy.

You don’t need a life hack for everything. The other day I saw a thing on Pinterest for making baked potatoes in the crockpot. It was “Just put the potatoes in the crockpot in the morning, let them cook for 8 hours, and voila! Baked potatoes!” You know what else works? BAKING THE FUCKING POTATO FOR TEN MINUTES.

You don’t have to research everything. Because by the time you’ve read about baking the potato you could already be eating it! This obviously extends way beyond potatoes. They are just an example (did I need to say that?)

Sometimes, we don’t care. So you woke up. Had cereal for breakfast. The commute took five minutes longer than usual. You walked up the two floors to your office. Didn’t take the lift. Went home. Watched an amazing episode of EastEnders. Then went to bed.  With your laptop evidently. That’s really great. You are living a life. Much the same everyone else.

You don’t need to tell everyone about it. All the time.

Get your own email address/Facebook account/Twitter handle. I understand. You’re in love. You have become one.  But if I get another email form mikenandjane@email.com   I will do what I always do. Smile. Shake my head. And delete it.

If you want to be taken seriously as an individual. BE AN INDIVIDUAL.  It’s a good starting point.

You’re making yourself look bad. There’s being you and being yourself.  There’s a difference between being cool and open. And sharing the photo of how you found a mouse nest in the bomb site that used to be your house until you had kids.  Take a step back.  You don’t need to post that. Really you don’t.

You don’t have to check in everywhere. “X is on the way to Heathrow” “X is nearly at Heathrow” “X is in Heathrow”, “X is waiting in Heathrow” I fucking get it. You are going on holiday. I don’t need a run down on exactly where you are every minute of the day.  And especially if you’re not even going anywhere exotic “X is standing in line at the supermarket” is not, let’s be honest, the most interesting of posts.

Got it? Cool. Now where is that interesting photo of the burger I ate yesterday? I’m sure everyone would like to see it….

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exciting isn’t it.

The doctors are getting younger and other signs you ain’t no spring chicken

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I can’t believe it. I honestly can’t. It is unbelievable. I would never say that. Ever. Ever. Really never. But I did. Oh my God. I still can’t believe it. Even in the cold light of day. And I wasn’t even drinking. Or being satirical. Or even sarcastic. I said it.

“In my day we didn’t have any of these….” Christ almighty. That’s what my Dad would say.  OMG I’m my Dad. Except I’m taller : )

But ageing is natural. There’s always a subtle tipping point. Like debating whether to buy anti acne cream or anti-ageing cream. Or wondering why the pub has to have the music up so loud. Or developing an increased interest in gardening and bird feeding.

I mean I wouldn’t say I’m old. Like I’m not 90 but I am at an age that I thought was ancient when I was 17. “I mean he was really old…like 30 or something” (!) Thanks my 17 year old self.

But we all want to stay hip and kinda young and with it.  Note: This is not done by going to the nightclub you used to go when you were a teenager. You won’t blend in.  You will stand out…for the wrong reasons.

Here are 25 signs you’re getting old.  Or 25 things to guard against!:

  1. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell!”
  2. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
  3. A £5.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
  4. Getting bed socks for Christmas and being very grateful
  5. Gasping for a cup of tea
  6. Drinking sherry
  7. Thinking policemen / teachers / doctors look young
  8. You move from Radio 1 to Radio 2
  9. Taking a keen interest in The Antiques Road Show
  10. Taking a keen interest in dressing for the weather
  11. You don’t know any of the songs on the station the mechanic tuned the car radio to
  12. TWO glasses of wine, that’s crazy talk.
  13. You actually start acknowledging the potential benefits of an Adjustable Bed.
  14. You manage to put on weight despite not eating anything
  15. You really hate teenagers…just wait till they get to my age
  16. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
  17. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
  18. You are proud of your lawn mower.
  19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
  20. Your best friend is dating someone half their age ….. and isn’t breaking any laws.
  21. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese and a diet Pepsi.
  23. You genuinely begin relating to your parents.
  24. You think jazz is actually pretty good.
  25. You’re more concerned about getting to bed at a reasonable time instead of having a good time in the middle of the week.

And remember…you may be getting older but it sure as hell doesn’t mean you have to grow up. Keep the inner child inside of you.  Keep you dreams alive and do something crazy and random. At least now and then. And that doesn’t mean wearing a different tie to work.