The Internet is a great place. You can post anything you want almost everywhere. But that doesn’t mean you have to post EVERYTHING.

You need to think the poor souls who have to read these posts.

There’s gotta be some kind of etiquette/ censorship.

Here are some real examples that, to be honest, are best avoided.

Stop posting pictures of your positive pregnancy test on Facebook.You’re pregnant. And I couldn’t be happier for you. Honestly. But come on. You pissed on this thing. If your friends were there in person would you emerge triumphant from the bathroom and wave it in their faces?  And if it is ok to post things we’ve peed on I have a lovely photograph of a dark alley….

Internet fights are almost always below the belt. Breathe, Take a step back. Arguing with people on your Facebook wall is about as classy as a Jeremy Kyle show. No one wants to see that shit. Close the laptop go outside. Smile at the nearest stranger. You’ll feel better.

Stop trying so hard to convince everyone you’re perfect. You know those daily positive update statuses about how you are choosing to be happy. And you love your job. And you love your spouse. And you have a dog. And you couldn’t be happier. Even your clothes are the hippest ever! Yeah.

In reality you’re one post away from FREAKING OUT. And that’s ok. So instead of posting bullshit, ask for help. I want you to be happy. Truly happy.

You don’t need a life hack for everything. The other day I saw a thing on Pinterest for making baked potatoes in the crockpot. It was “Just put the potatoes in the crockpot in the morning, let them cook for 8 hours, and voila! Baked potatoes!” You know what else works? BAKING THE FUCKING POTATO FOR TEN MINUTES.

You don’t have to research everything. Because by the time you’ve read about baking the potato you could already be eating it! This obviously extends way beyond potatoes. They are just an example (did I need to say that?)

Sometimes, we don’t care. So you woke up. Had cereal for breakfast. The commute took five minutes longer than usual. You walked up the two floors to your office. Didn’t take the lift. Went home. Watched an amazing episode of EastEnders. Then went to bed.  With your laptop evidently. That’s really great. You are living a life. Much the same everyone else.

You don’t need to tell everyone about it. All the time.

Get your own email address/Facebook account/Twitter handle. I understand. You’re in love. You have become one.  But if I get another email form mikenandjane@email.com   I will do what I always do. Smile. Shake my head. And delete it.

If you want to be taken seriously as an individual. BE AN INDIVIDUAL.  It’s a good starting point.

You’re making yourself look bad. There’s being you and being yourself.  There’s a difference between being cool and open. And sharing the photo of how you found a mouse nest in the bomb site that used to be your house until you had kids.  Take a step back.  You don’t need to post that. Really you don’t.

You don’t have to check in everywhere. “X is on the way to Heathrow” “X is nearly at Heathrow” “X is in Heathrow”, “X is waiting in Heathrow” I fucking get it. You are going on holiday. I don’t need a run down on exactly where you are every minute of the day.  And especially if you’re not even going anywhere exotic “X is standing in line at the supermarket” is not, let’s be honest, the most interesting of posts.

Got it? Cool. Now where is that interesting photo of the burger I ate yesterday? I’m sure everyone would like to see it….

exciting isn’t it.