My router broke.  After phoning the company and going through the computer voice saying something like “If you are phoning for a problem please press 1”, “ If you are thinking of leaving us this process will convince you that you are making the right decision press  2”, if not this phone call will soon change your mind press * (why is it never the next number along)?

I press 1..The computer comes back. Please say your phone number, including the dialing code now

“01732 5463357”

“You said, 04745 123456, is this correct”

“no”

“my mistake, can you repeat the number”

“01732 463357”

“you said 01732 234232 is this correct”

“no”

“my mistake, can you repeat the number”

Repeat above steps several more times until…

“you said 01732 463357 is this correct”

I’m momentarily stunned  and flushed with a strange sense of pride having passed the first hurdle.

“yes”

Please wait while I connect you”

“Good morning this is ****  can I have your phone number please

!!!!!!!

 then I am passed to various departments. I arrive at the right place.

“My router seems to be working..there is no power light”

(Trust me…they will not believe you)

“can you replug your phone in the master socket?”

“Yes I tried that already”

“Ok, can you do it again?”

“why”

“I have to go through a list”

“alright hang on” I go downstairs repeat process….same result as the first time I tried

“ok can you try the master socket by unscrewing the top?”

“I tried that…

. “ok, can you do it again?”

“why”

“I have to go through a list”

Repeat for about an hour.

Finally the person said, “I’ll try from my end to confirm everything”…(why didn’t you do that in the first place it could have save some time right?)

Anyway finally all possibilities tested and tested she was persuaded that the router could be the problem. After I had solemnly promised to send the old router back in “the prepaid envelope so you don’t pay anything” she agreed to send a new router.

It will arrive today. How do I know this…a text saying I had a confirmation email….

I do feel sorry for the people on the line. They have to follow a script. How do I know this. I worked at call centre asking people “why did you leave this service” ..

” it wasn’t me, it  was my dad, he’s dead now”

“ oh… do you want to sign up…”

I was top scorer for results. But then  I was pulled to the side

“You’re not following the script”

“but they don’t know the script, I respond to what they say”

(My God, we’ve got a maverick in our midst. Stunned silence in the office)

“No. Follow the script”

“but what if they say something else”

“doesn’t matter…follow the script”

It’s true so if you say something and they say something baffling and seemingly unconnected it’s your fault…you don’t know the script